Vampire School
by vampgurl125
Summary: When Kurda try to teach some vampires on the mountaine it didn't really work out for them!This is a funny story......
1. vampire school part 1

'I still am not sure I understand the purpose of this activity.'

Larten Crepsley stated from one of the tables they had been seated at in his usual stern tone. A murmur of agreement ran through the other assembled vampires. Kurda stood at the front of the makeshift classroom, leaning on the desk.

Darren Shan had kept his head down. He knew all about teachers and lessons and how if you never made eye-contact you were unlikely to get picked on. The older vampires had no such knowledge.

'The purpose of this activity,' Kurda replied. 'Is to teach you a little more about the various subjects taught to young people nowadays in sch-'

'I can't read,' Arra interrupted, standing. 'Well, there's obviously no point in my being here, so I'll just-'

Kurda blocked the door and she raised an eyebrow.

'Nor can I,' said Larten, joining her at the door.

Kurda didn't move. Darren eventually was the one that begged.

'Please don't leave me with Kurda!'

'Look, Kurda, you're scaring the boy.' Gavner said from somewhere near the back where he Mika and Arrow had been playing the cards.

Arra and Larten sat down again, Larten beside Darren and Arra beside the game of cards looking in.

Kurda calmed down and stood up straight at the front.

'This will take place every Thursday from midnight,' he said. 'And I don't expect anyone to be late. For the first two lessons we'll be studying Shakespeare. After that, we'll be working on Trigonometry, and then the basics of Chemistry and Global Warming.'

Darren had started to rock back and forth in his chair, head in hands. Larten patted him on the back half-heartedly, looking away as if he was planning to run.

The rest of the vampires didn't seem alarmed. Arrow and Mika never planned to attend again, Gavner knew he could get around Kurda's decision somehow wink, Larten had decided he would use Darren as his excuse, and Arra... well, Kurda wouldn't argue with her.

While they were thinking, Kurda and his helpful assistant Harkat (who was quite intelligent and knew all about many of the things studied) gave everyone two different worn out old books. One was Macbeth, the other Romeo and Juliet.

Mr. Crepsley thought Darren might go completely insane as he watched the boy shakily open the books covers and read the first page. Obviously traumatized.

Larten was suddenly glad he never went to school.

Kurda briefly introduced Shakespeare and the plays with the helpful interjections of Harkat when he forgot to mention something.

As everyone opened their books to begin reading, Kurda remembered something.

'Oh, yes! Before we start, I have your uniforms!'


	2. vampire school part 2

Next part's here! Enjoy:

'Ok,' said Kurda, getting the attention of his "class". 'Let's start. Don't be put off by your new clothes, please...'

Said 'new clothes' were the most horrendous uniforms Arra had ever seen in her life, and she told him so. A grey and green chequered skirt for her-which she'd pulled down a lot to make up for the fact that it was too short and she hated it-with the most ridiculous white socks and black round-toed shoes. The shirt was plain white-for this she was thankful-but it was too tight, and the clip on tie that she'd been given was just going a little bit too far.

Mika was the only other person to look relatively good in his uniform. It was a little too tight on him and he'd really taken some persuading on wearing that tie, but he looked really quite good in the end. Darren's swamped him completely, Mr Crepsley looked absolutely ridiculous, Arrow's uniform was already ripped at the shoulder and Gavner's was, worryingly, the same as Arra's instead of with trousers. Everyone laughed except Kurda who winked suggestively when he put it on.

'...Now, Arra,' Kurda said, ignoring her comment about the uniform. 'Please read the part of-'

'No.'

'Ju-'

'No.'

'-liet.'

'No. Way. In. Hell.'

Kurda gave up, seeing what teachers must have to put up with everyday before he remembered that people like Arra never went to school.

'Gavner,' he tried. 'Please read the part of Juliet.'

'Oh! But-' Gavner began.

Mika stifled a giggle. 'C'mon, Gavner. You're in a girl's uniform anyway...'

Gavner folded his arms and sulked, but he did as he was told and opened the book.

'Mr. Crepsley,' said Kurda, bracing himself for impact. 'Please read the part of Romeo.'

'Cannot read.' Mr Crepsley bluntly pointed out. Kurda just sighed.

'Mika?'

'No.' said Mika with a 'don't-cross-me-I'll-get-you-executed' look.

'Arrow?'

Arrow didn't even say anything and Kurda almost ran away.

'Ok,' he said squeakily, scared out of his wits that so many people were glaring at him dangerously. 'I'll read Romeo.'

So they did. The play was the least exciting one Arra ever remembered having to sit through, and, while playing a game of cards with Mika and Arrow at the back with Larten watching because he wouldn't gamble anything, she made a joke about it.

Larten replied. 'It is more exciting when it's read properly,' he said, which sent the assembled vampires into hushed sniggers.

Class ended for that day after Kurda hitting Arrow with a ruler and getting thrown quite hard against the blackboard afterwards. They were all glad to go their separate ways-and dreading the next Thursday.  



	3. vampire school part 3

The following Thursday was bad from the very beginning. Arrow and Mika were horribly embarrassed to have to show Paris what they were wearing for their 'training course' and actually got to 'class' early because of it.

Arra, meanwhile, ran late and to make it worse got whistled at on her way there-the culprit was severely injured as a result-and Larten and Darren had been laughed at so hard by Harkat that one of his rows of stitches in his side had come undone.

Arra sat down at the back when she arrived next to Mika. There was one person running even later than she was-Gavner. Kurda was all bad-tempered that Gavner wasn't being supportive, and even when the General arrived in his skirt and girls uniform.

'Today,' Kurda tried to get the attention of the assembled vampires, all chatting amongst themselves and not paying any attention. 'We will be studying trigonometry. Next thursday we will concentrate on the uses of indices, negative indices and indices with algebra.'

Darren started to hyperventalate. Mr Crepsley patted him on the head a few times and then just went to sit on the other side of the room.

'OK,' Kurda continued, taking a pointer, a ruler and chalk for the blackboard he'd since had installed. He drew a triangle and labelled it. He turned to the 'students'.

'I've started off nice and simple for you all,' he said. 'Now, what is the size of angle C?'

Silence, except for Mika, who was still laughing at one of the jokes.

Kurda turned to Mika. 'What is the answer?'

Mika stuttered, but Arra answered for him.

'Two.' she said confidently.

'No,' said Kurda.

'Yes.' she said surely, and everyone started to slowly laugh. 'You obviously aren't very intelligent. It's definitely two.'

They were teasing, playing, but Kurda didn't see the humour.

'It isn't two,' he argued.

'I can see it,' said Mika.

'Yeah, I understand,' said Arrow.

They were all laughing quietly when Kurda examined the board with a bewildered look on his face.

'How the bloody hell did you get two?' he eventually exploded, face all pink and blonde hair sticking up in all directions.

Everyone just laughed for ages until Kurda got all miffed and tried to get their attention again.

'I'm trying to teach you something!' he cried, frustrated.

'No,' Arra stood up from the middle of the crowd of laughing vampires, strode up to the front and took the various bits of equipment away from Kurda. Then she pushed him by his shoulders to sit down. 'I'll teach you something better. And I don't need the chalk or the blackboard.'

They all looked puzzled. Arra just smiled.

'I think I've slept with most of you during the decades,' she commented. 'Not Kurda. And not, oviously, Darren.'

'Gavner how dare you!!' the strangled cry came from where Kurda was sitting, but Gavner didn't reply.

'And none of you have anywhere near perfect technique. TRUST me. We're going to work on that.' Mika had already loosened his tie.

'And,' she continued. 'This is WAY more useful than trigonometry


End file.
